Part II Dating Revelations

Part II of (hopefully) many dating revelations

So about before… You know, my dating post… well I have to say that I did not mean to come across as if I had figured it all out and had it all under control. And I have been reminded of that lately.  Here goes another shot at vulnerability:

I am struggling between knowing the difference between guarding your heart and being closed off. I’m not saying I’ve had any “suitors” just lining up at my door but just in the thinking and the mentality of dating. I’m in college, it is a big deal in all of our lives (don’t act like its not, i know you are 'cause that's what I'd be doing if I was reading this.) But having talked about this thoroughly with my girlfriends because -well- were girls we've decided/realized that maybe we don’t know the difference yet because we don’t need to know yet. Obviously we haven’t been introduced to or been made aware of someone that would cause our dilemma to go from being too closed off to knowing the different between guarding our hearts and opening up. This is God’s way of telling us that its not our time. It is his way of protecting us from pointless drama, heartbreak, nonsense, and the works. I am selfish… thats the bottom line. I don’t think I have met the right person to change my time commitments. I don’t have any time that I would trade with my friends, with my organizations, etc. But all these things will be a clue as to when I do find a guy that I a willing to give up time, willing to open up, willing to allow my independence go, not be selfish for, as long as he is also furthering my relationship with the Lord. After my last attempt to sort through dating a friend responded to me and concluded, “this time of our lives doesn't have to be looked at as a time of “waiting.””  She was so right!  It is still life, it is still happening, going on around us, and my purpose and entire being is not revolved around finding my significant other. I recently went to a church event about dating. Yeah, I know they didn't try to present the subject subtly. But I went and, you know, I learned a lot. I have been struggling with feeling like I shouldn't think about my husband and boys in general because my life shouldn't revolve around them but just like everything else in the world pretty much, there is a balance. In Genesis the Lord makes the woman for the man as a helpmate so it is natural for us to be searching for that. Obviously this isn't our only purpose in life but it is okay to test the waters.
I have been struggling with thinking about boys in general and hating myself when I do because I think I am not “content” with where God has me but I know in my heart I am. I have learned that you can be content and still interested. You do not have to write off boys to be content. And ( though it annoys me sometimes) the opposite sex are a big part of our lives. we don’t need to let them be the center of it but God created us as suitable partners and “for that reason the man leaves his family” (Genesis 2:24.)  We were made not to live to find a mate but to live and find a mate.
This has been an eternal internal struggle for me. I go back and forth (as you can tell from my unending rambling and repetitiveness) and it is hard to be constant because my flesh, the world, tells me one thing and my faith and heart tell me another. But I am consistently learning more and more and I am thankful for that, because, though, I will never be fully “ready” to take on the role of a partner for another, at least I will be somewhat prepared.
And for those of you who aren’t single.. A common question that was brought up at the Equip: Dating night, I mentioned, was “how do you know when your’e ready/or they’re the one?” Well the panel answered with, you know it’s right obviously after a lot of prayer and being obedient to the Lord, but also when your heart and your head line up. You'll know when you're heart is fully in it and your head is in agreement and vice versa. An analogy that came to mind as I was thinking about this has to do with running. Sometimes in my runs the burning in my lungs is what slows me down and other times it is the ache of my legs and yet other times it is both. But just alike when my lungs nor my legs hold me back I can run straight for it— whatever “it” is. So when you have nothing holding you back you know it is right. When we are in God’s will and trusting in him it is okay to trust ourselves because he is in us.

 These lessons seems redundant but they are very potent in where I and others around me are in life.  I hope at least some of this made sense!  Oh, and have a great Thursday because tomorrow is Friday!

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

Behind Enemy Lines

Well it is currently 2:51am and I most definitely have class tomorrow but I cannot, for the life of me, fall asleep. So, I will write. 

You might remember my promise before about how this blog or public journal, I sometimes call it, would not become an update source for my mishappenings in everyday life. Well I plan to keep my word but I must share a quick story. I was telling a friend about another one of those Karsyn moments ("Karsyn" can be substituted for not-so-bright, "smooth," or "of course you would,"  here in the phrase "Karsyn moment".)  I will spare you the details in order to save myself from sounding dramatic but the climax of the story involved me running across campus to a building, which is usually a 15-20 minute walk, in 30 degree weather, with my backpack obnoxiously slamming me from behind with very stride. Not only was I "that person," I was "that person manically running with a hysterical yet trying to seem confident smile on, to a TEST."  Yes, I was late for a test. No need to hear what led up to it and what proceeded, just know I lived through it. 

Anyways, my friend went on to tell me that I should blog about it.  At first I took a defensive stance and immediately questioned if I was being made fun of and to my welcome misinterpretation he wasn't poking fun at me. I jokingly informed him that I let/make these events occur so I can turn them into a good story. For clarification, that is not true in any fashion. But today, well rather this morning, I won't be writing about how I learned a valuable life lesson through a mishap, other than its is smart to leave extra early for class on test days.  Duh, Karsyn, I know. 

     Changing directions, yesterday I was cleaning out a drawer and organizing my too many journals when I picked up a book I had been meaning to start, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, a satirical Christian apologetic. I have read to chapter 6 and whoa, my mind has already been blown. For those who have not heard about this book, it is a compilation of letters from a Senior demon and his young apprentice guiding him on how to secure the damnation of his "patient."  Yeah, it's pretty intense stuff, people. The book lets you in on the devil's strategy on how he tries to get to us and lead us away from Christ and the life we are called to lead. 

     Some things that have already begun to stand out to me are the following. First, the enemy wants us to think badly of others.  He purposefully points out their flaws, limitations, and struggles to us so that we judge and hold ourself above them.  This is especially true with other Christians in the church, he wants us to find fault in our fellow believers so that we divide. Second is that he wants to make us selfish. He wants our desires and fantasies to be all we think about.  For example, we are whispered lies to about the tone in someone else's voice but we are deaf to hear the tone in our own. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry because I fell and admittedly, still fall into that trap, perhaps too many times... He wants us to reflect all malice and annoyance onto others. The third was about prayer. He tries to make us avoid prayer if at all possible and when that doesn't work, he's got a few more tricks up his sleeve. He either keeps us praying a very vague prayer or he shifts our view of the one we are praying to. When we pray he makes us focus on the God our human minds have created instead of the God the Bible says he is. In the book it gives a few examples such as a crucifix on the wall, an imaginary light in the corner of the room, or just a face in our minds. The devil wants to keep the true image of God out of our hearts, especially when we pray.   

     Though I am not even halfway through with this book I highly recommend it. Knowing the enemy is real and knowing he has tactics he uses against us makes this battle so much more real. For someone who really enjoys action, spy movies, and whose dream job used to be/is to be an undercover agent of some sort (I probably just gave away my future cover but oh well) this made warring against sin come alive. We must defend and guard our hearts, minds, souls, and those of others against Satan's attacks with the Holy Spirit inside of us and God's word in our hands. 

     This book puts you behind enemy lines in this real war we are waging with sin. It shows just how much the enemy is willing to do to destroy us but we already know the outcome of it. Christ is victorious, therefore so are we!

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

1 Peter 5:8

God's blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

He is the Same, I am Changed.

Reading the Old Testament is pretty difficult.  I have been in Deuteronomy lately and recently read:

58 “If you are not careful to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that you may fear this glorious and awesome name, the Lord your God, 59 then the Lord will bring on you and your offspring extraordinary afflictions, afflictions severe and lasting, and sicknesses grievous and lasting. 60 And he will bring upon you again all the diseases of Egypt, of which you were afraid, and they shall cling to you. 61 Every sickness also and every affliction that is not recorded in the book of this law, the Lord will bring upon you, until you are destroyed. 62 Whereas you were as numerous as the stars of heaven, you shall be left few in number, because you did not obey the voice of the Lord your God. 63 And as the Lord took delight in doing you good and multiplying you, so the Lord will take delight in bringing ruin upon you and destroying you. And you shall be plucked off the land that you are entering to take possession of it.

Deuteronomy 28:58-63

It is hard for born again believers to wrap our minds around this passage.  He is so intense and this scares us, which it should.  But the reality is that God is constant, never changing from beginning to end.  So then that must mean he is still this same God from Deuteronomy.  The God who sends the most painful and wretched consequences to those who deliberately disobey his laws.  Punishments of pure suffering and sheer distress.

     I was pondering this for a while and for a brief time felt a little confused because this characteristic of God had not always been taught fully to me.  I know that there will always be things that my little mind just won't be able to comprehend about such an all-knowing God.  But he did reveal to me how he can still be that jealous and just beyond all comprehension and yet the most compassionate and patient giver of grace.  The answer to how he can be both of these extremes is

JESUS.

     Jesus, period.  He was and is the answer.  How long have we always known that?  I mean really, that is the most used answer for everything in church, (the "church" answer.)  But really think about it and he will reveal it to you as well.  Think about what Jesus did for us.  Yes, he bared an unbearable death.  He literally felt the weight of all our sins.  He was separated from his Father, even though he was without blemish.  Put it into perspective.  He took on every single act of justice that we deserved, including death of course, but all those that would have occured before death as well.  Pain, suffering, sickness, loss...

fearful plagues.  harsh and prolonged disasters.  severe and lingering illnesses.

     He saved us from so much unthinkable, unimaginable consequences which we fully were owed thousands of times over.  But now as we are taught, Christ's blood covers our sins and transgressions.  And when that same jealous, and in our own mind, seemingly harsh God from the Old Testament looks at us, instead of seeing a black and sick heart he sees his One and Only Perfect Son. God is still that God but it is I who am changed because I have been saved.  I am no longer of this world.  Though I am a sinner, I am different because of Jesus.  

     Something that I have known for so long, God brought to me in a new light.  Perhaps to shake me up or awaken me, things were put into a fresh new perspective.  I'm sure he has done the same for you as well from time to time.  Just a great and real reminder of the fullness of the God who calls us his.

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

Guatemala, Guatever, Guat's Up etc...

 

 

  So I've been back in the States for about four days now and I've got some great stories, new experiences, and a little bit of that Guatemalan tan (maybe just a hint.) I have sort of been in a daze, a "what is real life and what isn't" kind of daze. I think this happens a lot to people when they return back to their normal lives, though they might have better words to describe it than I. But I can't wait to share a little bit about our trip to the really very beautiful Guatemala!

     My team and I from Pine Cove were in Guatemala for 10 days.  We were challenged but had a ton of fun.  We spoke a lot of Spanglish, so much in fact that we were all stumbling over our English.  We forgot about grammar so communicating in Spanish and English became a little more difficult.  So now that I have been in school for a couple days I am still trying to process everything.  I've been thinking about my new friends I left behind and our team that had gotten so close in such a short amount of time. 

     We got to live in a different culture in a different country.  We helped lead a camp with our Guatemalan counterparts.  The camp was towards the coast near Taxisco and about two hours from Guatemala City.  If it wasn't obvious enough that we were "not in Kansas anymore" after seeing the mountains rise out of the landscape every direction, hearing a different language, volcanoes casually pluming with steam, then the very large iguana found in the boys' bathroom definitely reminded us of that.  Camp was amazing though.  We had two sessions: one with younger kids and the other with older.  I was personally very nervous for being with the older kids because it is harder to have a deeper conversation in a language you don't particularly know.  They aren't as entertained with "what is your favorite color?" as the little ones are.  But before I even thought of going to God with this prayer he answered it.  He goes before us and intervenes on our behalf and he went beyond all the barriers that were accounted for on this kind of trip and he formed friendships, created bonds, and changed lives.  We saw a lot of kids accept Christ into their hearts.  And the amazing thing was that their ways of worship and camp and Bible Study looked a little different than what we may be used to but who am I to say that God isn't big enough to work in a way I just wasn't used to?  I was humbled and inspired and energized on this trip.  It was such a sweet time to see God in a place that I am not familiar with.  We talked about this on our trip but we did not bring God to Guatemala, he was already working there. 

     I have been keeping up with some of my friends that I met in Guatemala and it is so exciting to have friends from around the world.  This trip confirmed my passions for others and meeting others from todo el mundo and I cant wait to see where God takes me next!

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

For more on the trip here's the link to a blog I got to write about how God was working! 

http://missiontrips.pinecove.com/second-session-is-underway/ 

The ~Ever Inevitable~ Relationship Post

Alright, I'm laying it all out on the table.  Writing a dating blogpost is risky business but I'll continue... Obviously, I am a female college student.  Yes, we think about our futures and of course that includes our future husbands and all that entails.  And guys don't think we don't know y'all think about it too.

As girls and guys, sometimes there are two extremes in going about a relationship. 
       The first is that our worth and happiness and fulfillment come from having a significant other.  Or we're constantly chasing after a relationship or constantly desiring one.  Sometimes we are obsessed (okay obsessed is a very overused yet harsh word, but I'm still going to use it here) with a girl/guy/the want of one that we forget that as a part of the church we already have a groom, Christ!
       The second case is where we become so independent that we are stubborn towards, even the thought of having a relationship.  With such a hard-headed mindset we might even resist someone if God placed them on our doorstep.  This case could even include those who fear "feelings."

      This is actually where I found myself this semester.  I had plans for my single life.  I was going to do things before I had someone else to worry about.  I wanted time to be selfish and do the things I wanted to do.  I was going to travel and have experiences alone and focus on friendships.  (This may also still be the case but I'm always in the process of learning how to let God make my plans.) This was my mindset for a long time and then one day a friend told me that it was okay to open up and look forward to the day "the one" might come along whether I know him now or not and it is okay to feel for someone because we were made to feel. 
      I realized that it is all a balancing act of guarding your heart (as if we haven't heard that ever) and allowing them to open up to God's will as well.  Actually, we can call it more of an act of faith than a balancing act.  In the end God will have the final say and we get to choose whether it is by the easy way because we were obedient and trusting or the hard way because we weren't. 
      I found my middle ground about a week ago.  I tried to explain this moment to my friends and my mom and found it kind of difficult but I'll try again now.  So I was walking across campus on my way to class, I had absolutely nothing on my mind and I wasn't thinking about anything.  All of a sudden these words were in my heart and were coming out of my mouth, "thank you, Lord, that I am single right now."  In this instance I actually stopped walking and paused.  I couldn't believe I had just spoken those words out loud.  I have honestly enjoyed being single and just the independence that comes with it but to actually be thankful at a time in life when everyone seems to believe that you have to be engaged by graduation or something is wrong, shocked me.  It was because of my own surprise, I realized that God, himself, had given me that thought, the thought to be grateful for a period of singleness in life.  In that moment the Lord, literally, spoke a prayer of thanksgiving into my heart.  It was such a sweet experience that reassured me that God has got it all covered and all I need to do is enjoy the adventure he has me on.

I can't make plans for myself because God is just going to ruin them anyways 

     Once you are satisfied with being single, accept that God might put someone in your life before you "think" you're ready, and fully put all this in his hands, he begins to prepare your heart for what is coming next in life, whatever/whoever that may be.  Allow God to work whenever, wherever, however and with whomever he wants.  It is actually very funny how God works, never ceasing to amaze or prove me wrong.  I'm just glad that I follow a God who I can trust if and more likely when he does change up my plans.  I can see myself becoming less of a Miss Independent and more of a Jesus Follower.  And in the meantime I'm praying for a willing heart for whatever he brings my way!

 

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

Getting Older, Not Growing Up

I hope everyone enjoyed thanksgiving with friends and family!  I ate like I was about to go into hibernation and I wouldn't have minded if that had been the case, especially with finals just around the corner.  But on the bright side, it is officially Christmas time so bring on the good tidings!

Being home has reminded me of how much I am growing up.  Probably because when I come home my mom takes such good care of me and I totally let her.  But I am now officially over two weeks into being 20 years old. Wait what?!? Yeah, two decades!  That seems so old to me, NOT saying that anything older is old, just I can't believe I have lived and lived through 20 years of life.  I can't help but feel a twinge of something, and I don't know exactly what, when I think about it.  Life is coming full steam ahead and it's time to start getting excited about the future and what God has in store for me. Yet, the other day as I was filling out a form I still found myself accidentally writing 19 in the "age" blank.

Maybe it's because I don't feel mature enough to be 20. You could probably ask any of my friends and family and they'd tell you just how silly I can be. I, personally, like to say I'm still a kid at heart.

 After talking to friends already in the real world, or on their way, and getting closer myself,  I've come to the conclusion to be in the mind set of: getting older but not growing up. 

I'm accepting the years are going to keep on coming-- I'm no longer in denial, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to retire my crazy adventurous side. I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians lately and as I started thinking about my predicament of 'never getting younger again,' I was reminded of a passage I had read. 

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. 

1 Corinthians 14:20

Getting older, at times, requires that we think like adults. Responsibilities and reality never go away. But I believe that the Lord never planned on us going through our life getting more serious with age either. just wiser. He wants us to be innocent of what is evil and with innocence comes a joy that only the Lord can provide. There is a difference between innocence and ignorance though, and it is important that we know this as well.

So whether you're still "preparing" for your future or living your future right now, remember to enjoy it.  Make everyday an adventure. Smile and laugh and be spontaneous and crazy every once in a while.   Don't let the trials and tribulations of the world that we go through as we get older jade your heart or chaff at your spirit. Show off that eternal joy that not even the pains of life can take away!

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope

A Sequel

I know it hasn't been that long since I've posted last but I have to share a Part II of  Knocked {Flat on my Face} Down. 

       So Sunday evening came around and that means only one thing: the long run.  This week our distance was to be 10 miles!  I was pumped up and yet my stomach cringed at the thought of it.  Running for that long and that far was not going to be easy that's for sure.  But in this sweet time I got to see the Lord continue to teach and reveal things to me. 
       The first was as we were running and came upon the places that I had once fallen {flat on my face}, Megan jokingly but unmistakably held out her arms in a gesture to catch me just in case I were to fall again.  I smiled at her humor but thought that she had just demonstrated what friends are really for.  We are not running this race alone and God has provided us with accountability partners and fellow Christians to do exactly that for us: keep us accountable, encourage us, and spur us along.  I urge you to find people in your life, if you haven't already, that will do this and will lead you closer to the Lord.
       Not only did I have Megan there to make sure I didn't stumble again but I was also wiser in choosing my steps.   I knew where my weak spots were, when I was most tired, and worn out so I made sure to take extra care in those places.  Our battle scars remind us of our past struggles and difficult places.  We are able to avoid those situations because we are stronger when they come a knocking at our door again. We also pray that God will allow us to use our past experiences to influence someone else's life in a positive way, as a testimony.  So as part of my testimony, I am proud to say that I did not fall this run unlike the past two weeks.
       All in all it ended up being a satisfying run.  I felt good and though I was tired I could have kept pressing on.  Once I got home I took off my shoes and realized (okay this is kind of gross) that I was going to have some blisters and callouses on my feet.  These not so welcome effects are reminders as well.  They mean that I am going places; I am doing something; I am running the race.  Not everything in life-- life living for our Savior-- is sunshine and rainbows, obviously.  So say hello to blood blisters, and calluses, and scabs, and soreness!  It is inevitable, we are going to have these things but we must remember to not let our hearts become calloused. 
       And this is where the light bulb floating above my headed flicked on.  I had written a verse on a notecard and had it taped onto the mirror of my bathroom for weeks now.  I looked at it every time I walked into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face, etc..  Yet the words' meaning did not truly impact me until this yesterday.

 

Proverbs 28: 14

Blessed is the man who always fears the Lord, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.

This is exactly what I had done.  I had been in a dry (desert) and calloused state spiritually and I was feeling so far from God emotionally.  I had fallen, literally on my runs and in my relationship with Jesus.    What are the steps to recovery they say?

1. Denial and 2. Acceptance and 3. so on and so on... 

Well then "my name is Karsyn White and I am a sinner."

And now I am so excited to say that I am moving along in the recovery process for getting my heart back in the right place. Jesus tugged at me and I finally felt aware of his presence for the first time in a long while. 
Oh my goodness, does it feel good to be back in his arms again.  I can finally breathe and my heart has started to soften.  Thank you, Lord, for your merciful embrace.

There are so many take-aways from this experience but in the end they have all led me deeper into the midst of my Savior, Jesus Christ and I'm running hard into him.


      

God's Blessings,

Karsyn Penelope